If You Get Me A Cell Phone Tomorrow, Then I'll Stay At Home For College

On Friday night, I was at home. Because that's what you do on Friday nights when you are academically bogged down: stay at home and argue with you parents.

Me: I went to the rep visit for UVA today.
Parent: Don't you want to stay home for college? Think about all the pros...you could eat good food all the time, your roommate wouldn't bother you, and you could drive your aunt to work when I want to have wine.
Me: First of all, you're about to pick her up from work in a few minutes, and you're drinking wine right now. Second of all, no.
Parent: This is a college town.
Me: Saying this is a college town is like saying a banana is a penis. 
Parent: You can't get bananas at college. You'll get fat.
Me: I would rather be morbidly obese than stay at home for college.
Parent: You could help me with stuff all the time. My friend's kids are in their 20s and they all live at home! He says it's so much fun.
Me: Well then they're a bunch of losers. What do they do for fun, play Parcheesi? I don't care what you say, I'm not going to stay home for college. Period. It's like how you feel about cell phones.
Parent: That's ridiculous.
Me: Tell you what. If you get me a cell phone tomorrow, then I'll stay home for college. I promise.
Parent: No.

Me at age 45, in my parents' basement. Notice my lack of cell phone.