On the Subject of Dying

One day I realized that those who I am very close with are going to die someday. Then I realized that I will die someday. Someday, I will cease to live. However, the funny thing about death is that even though it's the end to a life, death itself can fathom a new life of its own. When Michael Jackson died, his records were being sold like crazy because buying into his music made people prolong his legacy. Someday I am going to die, but guess what? I'm not really going to die. I am going to have a legacy that's so out there and so amazing that Michael Jackson will look pathetic.

First of all, what's with burying people? It's just a waste of space. When someone dies, the body has nothing to do with the soul. The body could be ripped apart or burned up or whatever and it doesn't matter because the body is dead. I believe that the soul goes on a journey after death to heaven or hell. I do not want my stupid body to be taking up space in a cemetery that could be better used for apartments or a park or something. I want to be useful even when I'm dead. Therefore, I present to you my Death Plan. Most people have Life Plans, but technically this a Life After Life Plan, because just because you heart stops beating, doesn't mean you can't still live.

Step One: Die. I'm not quite sure how I want it to happen yet, but I'll be dead so it's not like it matters too much.

Step Two: Donate my body to science. BIANCA FEIERSTEIN IS MY BEST FRIEND, and she totally agrees with me about death and all that. We actually formulated these plans together, strange as it sounds. We talk about everything. Our relationship is literally so close it's quite disgusting. Anyways, the scientists can poke around and use my organs or whatever, because I will literally be living on by doing so. All those people who are in wooden boxes letting their organs go to waste? SELFISH PEOPLE. If anything, donating your body to science will increase you chances of getting into heaven, so think of it that way.

Step Three: Bianca doesn't want a funeral because she finds them depressing. Well, no shit. She wants to donate all the money it would've cost to have the funeral to charity. I kind of want a funeral, so I will donate the same money used to buy a casket to charity, because....

Step Four: ...I won't need a box since I'll be cremated. After they are done with our bodies, Bianca and I will burn up our bodies and use to ashes to...

Step Five: ...plant a tree. Ashes are carbon, which is really good for plants.The tree can then be used to print newspapers or toilet paper or to build houses or make toothpicks. Nevertheless, I would have accomplished my goal of living after death. It's brilliant, if I do say so myself. I'm not afraid of death. I'm just afraid people won't do what I want when I die.